A Secret of Life (Happiness)

Someone once told me, “You can never be happy with someone else until you are first happy with yourself.”

At the time, I found this statement impactful because it was espoused as wisdom and made me actively think about how to make such a concept work for me. After all, who doesn’t want to be happy? Wanting to be happy is a very selfish and self-serving desire. Is it not? And I thought I should put in the work to get there.

I remember thinking, “I’m a somewhat intelligent guy, so I’m certain I can figure out how to be happy alone.” So, I began systematically searching for solutions, determined to remain alone until I exhausted all avenues to accomplish this endeavor. I began by asking myself questions about things that seemed important in creating happiness.

What are the things I enjoy doing?
Where are the places I feel my best?
What type of job should I change to?
How can I remodel my home to suit my desires better?
What model car or truck would I like to be driving?

I thought I could arrange my life in such a way that I could please myself on every level and then invite someone else into my happy creation.

Attempting to find happiness in solitude went on for about six months when I accidentally met someone. We began to talk every day about many aspects of our lives.  When you talk like that, you aren’t just passing the time; what you are actually doing at that stage is investing your time in someone other than yourself. Maybe we were investing time in each other to be friends… or maybe investing to be something more.  I had no real expectations as I still hadn’t solved the problem of being happy alone.

A funny thing often happens when you invest your time with another person: You become genuinely interested in the outcomes of their life situations. I began to notice that when she experienced success in her life, I felt happiness, and on the flip side when I shared success in my life, she expressed genuine delight. This seemed contrary to my quest to establish a life based on the rule, “You can never be happy with someone else until you are first happy with yourself.”

As much as our lives were defying the dime-store wisdom I had been chasing, and as much as we already had in common, it wasn’t long before our interests began to align even more. I had often talked about running, and she expressed an interest in the sport. She asked questions and learned about shoes, training, events, etc. She geared up and began training and sharing her progress with me. When she trained and completed a 30km trail run, I felt the success and happiness right along with her.

After searching for answers to the “alone and happiness” riddle for over a year, I finally discovered a simple truth: It was all a lie.

Figuring out it was a lie wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to prove it beyond a doubt. Most of my home had been remodeled by this point, and I was gearing up to change careers. I purchased a great truck, went where I wanted to, ate what I wanted to, did what I wanted to… and not much had changed. Where did I go wrong? Not only did I take terrible advice, I asked myself all the wrong questions to force the bad advice to align with life.

My initial questions to qualify “happiness” were all superficial. I needed better questions and thought carefully about what those should be. I also needed an external resource capable of affirming or condemning my answers. Let’s begin with the better questions.

What, in my adult life, has made me consistently happy?

I’ve always poured myself into my work because I find satisfaction in accomplishments, and I’ve been fortunate to have even been placed at the top of my field on several occasions. When I reflected on those accomplishments, it wasn’t the success that made me happy; it was the ability to share it with others and the joy of others celebrating my success. The more I thought about it, the more I realized those successes would have meant little to nothing without others in my life. After all, when something significant happens in your life, what’s the first thing you do? You call or text someone who cares and you share it with them. If they are not also excited, then you become disappointed even though you still have success without them.

Outside of work, what has made me happy as an adult?

I’ve always enjoyed running, cycling, and other outdoor activities. Where much of my training was alone, the actual accomplishments came in crossing the finish line at events. When I completed a full marathon (26.2 miles), I had a friend who grabbed a bicycle to ride along the second half with me. He asked if he could do anything for me, and even though I knew he meant bananas or electrolytes, I asked that he have my dog (Truman) placed near the finish line so I could finish with him. That’s what happened, and as I approached the finish line with Truman, the following announcement rang out over the loudspeakers; “Here comes Kerry Wood, with his best friend, from Leesville, SC.” When I finished, several young ladies surrounded me, one placing a medal around my neck while another was removing a chip from my shoe, and a couple of others were offering to help me with Truman. The happiness was shared in that moment with Truman (who loved the attention) and others and then shared afterward at a celebration dinner with friends. What if I had just trained alone, ran alone, and finished the full marathon alone? Where would have been the fun or happiness in that?

Every scenario from adulthood I could think of led me to a similar conclusion: I had never been happy alone.

What about when I was a child?

Before adulting complicated life, I was a happy kid most of the time, so I thought I should examine my childhood. What kept me happy back then? Everything that came to mind was activities with neighborhood kids: kick-the-can, basketball, baseball, riding bikes, exploring the woods, etc. There was nothing I could remember from my childhood that combined happiness and being alone. Not one thing.

What have been the happiest random moments in my life so far?

Most of the happiest times in my life involved my daughter: building her first bicycle with her, hiking Chimney Rock with her, watching her choir performances, her singing in the house, Christmases, traveling, and I could go on and on, just as most parents could. People enjoy talking about their children’s successes because not much in life makes us happier; they say their first words, take their first steps, win an award, graduate, etc. We naturally want to share it all because doing so makes us happy.

If we can have that much joy wrapped up in our children and grandchildren, then how can we not find that with a significant other? We can, and we do if we allow ourselves. To even try to make ourselves happy by excluding others is not only approaching life from a purely selfish standpoint, but it won’t even ultimately work out to anything other than misery.

What is an external resource that would affirm this?

“It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” ~ Genesis 2:18

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” ~ Proverbs 18:22

From the beginning (Genesis), we were not meant to be alone.

Science also supports the biblical affirmation. Examine couples who grow old together; you will often see that when one dies, the other isn’t far behind. It doesn’t always work out like that, but it is noticeable that it is a frequent occurrence. In scientific studies, the longer the couples have been together, the more likely they are to die within three months of each other. This is especially true if the loss is unexpected. Studies also show that long-term illness provides time for the survivor to come to terms. In a long-term situation, I imagine one also has to find the strength and willpower to take care of the other, setting themselves up to be a survivor for the sake of the other.

Going down this road with someone brought about another discovery never apparent to me: To find true happiness in life, you must surrender yourself.

Most of us never expected life to unfold the way it did. Life tends to be something that happens to us, not something we are able to significantly plan out. When you become genuinely invested in another human, that’s when you find the happiest moments, but you will also find that you share that person’s pain. If they have a bad day, those associated feelings can quickly rub off on you. It could just be how you absorb their feelings, or it could be how they lose control and disrupt everything around them or a combination of both.

When you truly understand how your mate affects you in both good and bad times, the best thing you can do is surrender yourself. Let them know they are not alone and work to diffuse their attitude and/or offer solutions to their problem. Your job is to get them back on track to be happy again because as soon as they are happy, your happiness will also return.

God wants us to surrender ourselves to His will, and in doing so, people feel better. This is partly because much of His will is how we treat each other (no murdering / love your neighbor), partly because of the spiritual enrichment we gain and the fact that following the ultimate playbook (Bible) for humanity leads to healthier lives.

I’ve heard it said that a good marriage is the closest thing to heaven we will find in this life. Biblically speaking, women are to respect their husbands, and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Given all this, does it not make sense to surrender yourself to your mate?  This doesn’t mean enabling bad habits or anything destructive to the family unit. What it does mean is that you put your mate before yourself. This has to go in both directions. There is no equality or tit-for-tat or keeping score. We are all different, with different abilities and capabilities, so God made man and woman to complement each other, not compete. None of that matters when you truly get to a place where you always do your best for each other.  Doing our best never ensures we don’t fall short, but when we genuinely put the other first, grace is also easy to hand out from one side and accepted and appreciated on the other. Understanding this, finding this, and feeling this is the happiest place you can be.

Even though I have found it and love it, that doesn’t mean there’s no occasional bump in the road. The old me would have gotten angry over each bump and lashed out over each bump, but having found this level of happiness with someone, my desire to work to get back to that is greater than my desire to argue. What I’m saying is that you don’t just find nirvana and live happily ever after going down this road; it takes work. When you experience this level of happiness, the work you have to put into it doesn’t even seem like a big deal. It’s not complicated. It’s not meant to be difficult, so do not over-complicate it. It is more of keeping yourself in a state of mindfulness than it is work.

It’s all easier to experience than to explain, but once you follow God’s path and do your best to serve your family, you will feel much better about everything in life.